Oh I honestly have nothing really to complain about in the great scheme of things but man this lockdown is driving me mad already. I think it’s the fact that we’ve been here before. I just don’t have enough enthusiasm to drag myself into more planning activities. Last time I had a jar of ideas and as the year went on a calendar of events to punctuate our weeks. Now I’ve got nothing.
It’s the amount of time that’s really getting to me. I get excited by having time to do stuff, but then it slips away and I waste it and what does it matter anyway because there will be more time today, tomorrow and every evening. What’s the point it trying to use time properly – everything can be done tomorrow. I don’t have to get ready for anything; there are no deadlines or things to look forward to. It’s proving a challenge.
My headaches are back which is also a real (literal) pain. It could be diet, dehydration, or possibly just screen related, but I wake up with one everyday and sometimes it lingers and messes with my energy levels and my ability to focus on anything. I just don’t have the willpower to try and fix it. It’s too cold and too miserable and ugh. I spend too much time doing what my daughter informs me is “doomscrolling”. The things is I’m looking for joy not doom it’s just there isn’t much about.
Yesterday was rubbish. We’d expected snow which didn’t happen. Honestly things are very weird when that is what sends me into a downturn, but it was something different to look forward to. Then a headache meant I didn’t get things done and feel asleep on the sofa instead. I’m finding my routine of getting up early to exercise really hard to get back and I’/m sleeping more than I was in general. I’m quite sick of feeling like this.
This morning we got some boring stuff done and then tried to order some things we needed to finish some DIY. At the final stage of the order we were informed they would arrive in March so we gave up. We’ve got cardboard everywhere and I daren’t even go and queue for hours for the tip because my car battery is very unreliable – as evidenced by the car not starting in Morrisons car park on Thursday night. I’ve got bags and boxes for charity but no way to donate it. My desire to bake has entirely gone. Blimey it’s difficult to drag myself out of this fug.
On the upside we went for a walk in the beautiful winter sunshine this afternoon. As recommended by a friend we’ve put fairy lights, candles and blankets everywhere in the living room to make it feel cosy and I have a huge reading pile of Christmas gifts to get stuck into. The kids pretty much hate not being at school but they are doing ok. The sky is pink and we can spend the money we would have spent with Ikea on a takeaway later.
Tomorrow I’ll regroup I’m sure. Sit down with everyone and try and pluck some ideas for diversion out of thin air. But for now I’m going to whack the heating up and read a book.