Up and Down

As usual at this time of year I can see the potential of low mood hovering on the horizon, and as every year I’m trying to fend it off. This year because of the lockdown and the ongoing Covid19 nightmare it’s different again. I’m feeling the need to keep all four of us lifted rather than just me, and in a way it’s a good thing because it’s giving me focus and I feel like we are in it together a bit, rather than just me. Not that the rest of my family struggle like I do, but the new way of life can’t help but have an impact.

I described it the other morning with singing. We are encouraged when we are trying to hit higher notes to belt it out. To reach top notes you can use your hands to almost keep you up there – to help you travel towards the notes. That’s what it feels like I’m doing at the moment – trying to push myself upwards. It’s almost physical.

I’ve made plans for us at a family which is both positive and negative. If things don’t work I’m leaving myself open to feeling a sense of failure, but we’ve worked together to try and be sensible about what we can fit in. We’ve taken on board how much work the girls have to do at the moment, especially T who is starting her GCSEs. We have a few key activities to focus our days around (and not every day at that) – things that make us stop and be together for a bit. But we also have a regular push to turn off the TV for half an hour and do something a bit different. One evening this week we played a card game for half an hour. That was it. Not exactly rocket science but it broke up our now usual evening pattern. It’s week 1 and it’s going ok.

I get up early nowadays. Yesterday I cried twice before breakfast – once watching an advert for a well known burger company, and once watching a group of dancers raising awareness for how difficult it is for the arts at the moment. I forced myself to do exercise and then didn’t think about being sad because I was too busy concentrating on not passing out. In the evening I felt a moment of bliss – it was a hedonistic one. I had eaten gorgeous locally made pizza, had a glass of wine in my hand, and was watching The Good Place for the second time, this time with my kids laughing like drains. Days can be like that of course – down and up.

It’s nearly the end of the week. I’m starting late this morning. Catching up on blogging, doing some washing, and working on a bit of professional development too while watching the birds use the fat block as a see saw. Tonight is comedy night (basically we always watch Taskmaster on a Friday) and then we are planning our meal for tomorrow. After that I might encourage my other half to look into his ancestry some more as we are currently in Kenya, and taking photographs in Wales.

Little moments of joy – that’s what it’s about for me at the moment. And an acceptance that there are also moments of blubbing, or moments of grumpiness.

Have a lovely weekend.

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