Pondering

We are all struggling a little but can’t quite articulate why. On reflection I think it’s down to this: Lack of.

Lack of hugs with anyone other than our immediate family

Lack of drinking gin with friends

Lack of singing in harmony

Lack of playing five a side

Lack of after school clubs

Lack of live theatre and comedy

Lack of holidays to look forward to

Let’s face it, lack of normal flipping human interaction.

The lockdown in April and May was different because it was a stark change. It really sucked but I think this is worse if anything. Last time there was a contrast, now it’s like a big long blur of meh.

It’s now become normal not to see your friends, normal not to have family staying over, normal to stay in and watch TV every night, normal to have online meetings, normal to work at home, normal to order presents online, normal to have the windows open in class, normal to see your immediate family way more than you used to. It’s even become normal for me to sit in the car while my daughter goes into the orthodontist rather than to sit next to her supportively.

The loss in April was an immediate one. It was dramatic and extreme. The loss now has just become an undercurrent of everyday and something we have come to accept. I can try all I like to give us variety in the next few weeks to try and make things special. I can spend money on new Christmas jumpers and make the advent calendar extra exciting this year. We can put up more lights than ever and drink mulled wine far too early. But I can’t put back what’s lost.

Of course I need to acknowledge we are lucky. Our losses are nothing in the grand scheme of things. Everyday I’m grateful that we are safe and healthy and employed, but it’s ok to say how you feel and to record those feelings. One day we’ll look back on this period in amazement and horror, because things will surely get back to the old normal. Won’t they?

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