It’s been so long I actually had to type my password into WordPress. It’s very hard to know how to pick blogging back up when it’s been so long, but I guess I just start somewhere.

So 46 then. It’s not going how I’d hoped if I’m honest. I haven’t run a 10k (or even a 5k in the last 12 months). I haven’t had a book published (or even finished writing one). I’m more tired than ever and just as emotionally wibbly. I can’t speak Spanish and there’s very little chance of me leaving the country on holiday anytime soon. I need help.

On my birthday my eldest bought me a “Beatific Planner” and it’s making me do a little more than drag myself through the day. There are very tiny goals being set, and gratitudes being logged. I haven’t filled in the first few pages yet because I need more than one gin and tonic before listing the things I like about myself but I’m sure I’ll get there. The lifetime goals page is freaking me out. I need to have a goal for 1 year, 5 years and 15 years. I mean in 15 years I’ll be 61 and thinking about that for thirty seconds is more than enough thinking for the time being. The goal setting is definitely going to take some soul searching but at least I can feel some sense of achievement by ticking small things off along the way.

Yesterday in a spirit of getting things done I headed to the petrol station at 6.30am (I had getting petrol as a goal – I’m really pushing myself). Having seen some news articles I took a flask and a brunch bar in case I was stuck for a while but I sailed through mentally ticking off my days goal by 6.45. Go me.

It was still dark and I suddenly thought heading somewhere to watch the sunrise and drink my tea was a very positive and meditative thing to do (meditation is a daily box to tick too). Sunrise was due at 7.03am so I drove out to Owler bar, took a left and headed down a road I thought looked promising. Unfortunately it plummeted downwards and into the trees which wasn’t ideal. Time was ticking by as I did a fairly speedy u turn and headed back to try and see a horizon. I stopped in a layby, jogged down the road to a clearing and stood awkwardly pouring tea from a flask and unwrapping a brunch bar with one hand as the sun rose in a fairly lacklustre way. And you know what? It was beautiful. Standing there in a dim light, red deer stags bellowed across the valley. The sun pushed through the grey clouds.

The odd car and bus rattled past behind me and the drivers, I imagine, thought I was mental. I was cold due to lack of coat (I forgot it’s cold in October), but I took a moment to be thankful. Thankful that I had petrol, thankful that I’d screeched to a halt on a hill top at 7.01am so hadn’t missed it, and thankful that I live somewhere so damn beautiful.

Today we packed a flask of hot chocolate and some Soreen (snack of kings) and went off on my favourite Autumnal adventure of watching deer from Curbar Edge. The sun was shining, the wind was crazy and the deer were so far away they were nearly invisible to the naked eye. I loved it. As we walked back up to the edge we encountered a group of deer right near the path, then we stood on the rocks with the wind buffeting us about. I have ticked off exercise and meditation in one fell swoop.

So I’m back I hope. Setting and working towards tiny goals, but mostly just trying to enjoy the moments.