Should have been

Last weekend should have been the girls Razz show. They should have been rehearsing, singing, acting, dancing, buzzing. Wearing mascara under duress, . We should have been clapping and getting emotional.

T should have been in Germany with her school friends right now. A holiday we took a while to commit to as she had a big holiday the previous year. Ironic.

I should have been going to a gig at the Greystones with my friend and dancing the night away.

We should have been getting excited for Derren Brown. Should have been thinking about packing our week away looking at the sea.

Paul should have been playing football tonight.

School should have been manic – filled with sports day, a festival, treat days out.

The girls should have been going to Guides, lighting fires and toasting marshmallows together.

I should have been singing last night. Being taught saxophone on Monday.

Last night I deleted everything from my calendar apart from “work”.

I sit here worrying more than ever, surrounded by the mess I’ve avoided all week, wondering where everyone is going as the cars go by outside.

But I’ve also shaken myself up. Started to arrange more walks with friends and cups of tea in gardens. I’ve even booked what’s likely to be the world’s most expensive haircut which is the biggest risk I’ve taken but will make me feel human again. Because I need there to be things happening rather than things that should have been.

Hopefully I’ll see you soon.img_4973

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