I had a bit of a moment yesterday after work and felt I just couldn’t cope with it all.
I’m a worrier and a crier – always have been – but this crisis is getting me every day to different degrees. Yesterday I just couldn’t deal with the loss and grief that people are living with. Friends and family are losing loved ones with no chance to say their goodbyes in the way they want to. The news breaks my heart daily – the couple who married in hospital just before the husband passed away; the new mum lost only a few weeks after giving birth; the care professionals who have given their life. The loneliness people are living with. I’m struggling to make sense of it all – it’s too big. Too powerful. Too sad.
I’ve said before we are lucky. We are all getting on well most of the time and have plenty of space, activities and love for each other, but we are missing so many things. The girls miss school dreadfully – their friends, the structure, the variety, the teachers. We miss seeing our colleagues and friends face to face at work. I’m desperate to make someone other than my husband a cup of tea. We miss catching up with friends properly. And we miss our family – the visits, hugs, laughs and support we get from our parents and grandparents.
I even miss driving. I just want to go somewhere different – see a different view.
It’s fair to say I’m dipping and not always making smart choices. We are working hard in the daytime and as a result not ensuring we get outside for a walk every day. There’s too much TV, too many biscuits and too little exercise. I’ve realised I detest online workouts – I find them demeaning, embarrassing and at best dull – but I’ve replaced them with nothing else. I’m making no progress with writing, or playing sax. Not that it matters really I guess.
I do the shopping which I now officially hate. The last trip to Tesco filled me with anxiety. Other than that I go nowhere. I went to get flour from a friend in the car this week and felt guilty for going out.
This weekend stretches ahead of me and I don’t really want it. At best maybe we will go for a walk (the excitement is palpable) and I’ll make dinner. We’ll watch yet another film or episode of Taskmaster. There will be Animal Crossing and Just Dance and I might put some leaves in the bin. I’ll empty the wash basket. Maybe we’ll risk a trip to B&Q but the idea of queuing around the car park to not be able to buy the paint we’d like isn’t filling me with enthusiasm.
Anyway, I’m just sad this morning and you know what, it’s ok to be sad. Sometimes it’s the right thing to get it out and weep a little. Later on the kids will be making me laugh and Paul and I will drink coffee and the sun will shine. I need poached eggs on toast and to sit watching the birds – then I’ll get on with my day.