Today is a bad day. I’ve practically inhaled biscuits all morning, even the kind I buy because I don’t really like them in the hopes I’ll leave them untouched in the drawer. I feel lonely and anchor-less. Floaty and sad.
The house is too quiet. The TV too annoying. The threat to the UK looming so large that I find it seeps into my thoughts no matter how I try to divert myself . Radio 4 told an anecdote about a woman whose blood pressure was reduced by not listening to the news which I don’t doubt – but how do you avoid it? It would mean no radio, tv, social media. Looking straight ahead when entering a newsagents to buy milk.
So the big things seem too big, but the small things are big now too. I’m overly upset about things that don’t really matter. Little things I could have done differently take on huge importance. Small injustices feel like a reason for a crusade. Fortunately I don’t have the energy for anything more than a light rant.
I’ve been shutting myself away socially but no-one will have noticed. I’ve watched too much TV. Far too much. Moved too little. Far too little. Slept too much. Not enough.
Things are slipping . My 52 week challenge is wavering – unsurprising since I’m not going out. I’m not writing, then feeling bad about not writing. It’s poor for June. June isn’t usually a bad month so I don’t get it.
I’m forcing myself to do a gratitude journal again. Maybe meditation needs to make an appearance if I weren’t so poor at focusing.
I am grateful – honestly I am. For my daughter’s talents and their confidence that’s grown as tall as a sunflower; for being asked to pick my youngest up from primary school despite her being 11 and the school being only 100 metres from our front door; for a husband who listened to me whimpering on the phone and said helpful things; for the washing machine working again; for having a job somewhere that makes a real difference to my city; for my parents; for coffee; for the Everybody’s Talking About Jamie soundtrack; for chocolate; for fairy lights; for forthcoming holidays and festivals; for lots of things.
I am grateful. I just feel a little bit empty. Despite all the biscuits.