I would say that I am beginning to fray at the edges. My anxiety is back in a ‘no idea why really’ stomach churning sort of a way and I’m feeling like I’m losing a grip on things. On Saturday night I nearly cried because the pub kitchen was going be shut the following day and that meant changing plans. The constant ferrying kids about got to me over the weekend, along with some mistakes I made with scheduling that are a) difficult to fix and b) have actually made things even harder for myself. It’s my reaction to these mistakes that’s not what it should be, so I know I’m here again on this bleedin mental health roundabout, only I’m not even sitting on a comfortable colourful horse. It’s more like a roundabout with swivel office chairs on the back and very little to hold onto.

So ok, I’m feeling a bit crappy and on the edge. Over sensitive and unreasonable. We’ve been here before. Change the record.,

Every year I try to stave off the arrival of my anxiety. Things are a bit different in 2018. I can run for 30 minutes now so exercise is part of my week – although still not enough. I have lots of social engagements book in with people I care about (which is double edged because I get stressed about organisation, but generally a good thing because it tells me I can’t be as irritating as sometimes I think I am). I use an SAD light on my days off. We are half way through de-cluttering which helps my mind, but also means I sit looking at boxes of stuff I haven’t actually taken to the charity shop or put on Ebay which in turn stresses me out.

I think the most different thing is that I’ve stopped feeling like the anxiety is my fault and that I shouldn’t be feeling it. I am feeling it. Which is a bit shit, but then ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ or some such motivational quotation from social media.

I’ve decided a few things:

1. One room in the house will remain tidy. Just one. So that we can all retreat to it without looking at things that need doing. I’ve picked the living room, although unfortunately the curtain rail is precariously close to falling off so it’s not totally stress free at present.
2. I’m going for a walk every lunchtime, or if at work I’m at least going to get away from my desk for twenty minutes. On Friday I welled up when I left my desk to do this but it was the right thing to do.
3. There’s something I need to finalise which will address the structure issue with my week. Hopefully that will be fixed on Wednesday.
4. If the car passes it’s MOT I’m going to go have a gingerbread latte in Bessies and do some writing in my notebook in celebration.

Baby steps.