Oh my God I’d forgotten how bonkers slimming clubs are. First an over enthusiastic leader speed tells you how the plan works and asserts you can lose tonnes of weight and never go hungry. This morning she actually said that “the sky is the limit on weight loss” which makes no sense at all. Then she said she knows someone who lost 14 lbs in their first week. I gleefully joked “one week then and I can stop dieting!”. She laughed in an uncomfortable way so I’m left thinking 14lbs might not really be achievable in week one.

I’d given myself an hour in my timetable for this morning’s sign up. It actually took an hour and a half. This was because we had to go through every member of the group and clap. I mean I am more than happy for people to clap some semblance of real achievement like anything over half a stone total weight loss, but I do not want people clapping when I lose half a pound. No-one is happy with losing half a pound, ever.

Then we had the painful questions about how Sharon achieved so much weight loss this week, ‘what is your favourite recipe Bertha?’ and the horrific ‘what happened this week Sandra?’ The answers are all roughly the same of course, We are all sticking to plans roughly and hoping to God that it makes a difference in the right direction. We’ve all had more wine than we admitted to and very few of us actually like going to the gym.

I also learned that Fevertree slimline tonic is actually a horrific 15 calories a bottle. I’m not sure I can cope. I’m not even going to tell you how bad for me a Pizza Express pizza is…

Then there was the terrifying weigh in and goal setting experience. The bit where you step on the scales and immediately have to add a stone to the goal weight you had in your head to make it halfway achievable. Oh this is going to be a challenge.

On the up side I met a couple of really nice women, two of which had very small babies which brightened my day immeasurably. Plus I passed a couple of comedic minutes in my head where I imagined myself as a Slimming Club Leader asking ‘and what are you going to do differently next week Dawn?’ and getting the reply ‘I’m going to eat more salad and drink less prosecco’. I could be so motivating I reckon. Then I’d probably go home and eat cheese and biscuits in secret.