I’m been up since 5.30am again – it seems to be my new start time regardless of what I do to try and change it. If only I woke up with energy and a head that didn’t hurt it would be ok, but it is tough to cope with consistently and I spend the first hour at least wasting my time on screens and drinking tea. This morning has been no different although I have managed to do the supermarket shopping which is progress compared to yesterday when I just spent an hour looking at Instagram.
It’s been a tough week. My boss (who I have worked with for 6 years and I consider a good friend) has left my workplace and I’m sporadically filled with sadness along with intense imposter syndrome. I surely won’t be able to pick up the things I need to. I’m not looking forward to next week.
And it’s been back to school week of course. After receiving a frankly unbelievable set of results, our eldest started a-levels and leaves home everyday in no school uniform with a swinging lanyard to continue learning about things that I don’t understand. Our youngest has gone into Y10 and is embarking on GCSEs and all the good and bad that entails. Thankfully she’s taken art and drama so has some release from the subjects she doesn’t enjoy, and she’s had her confidence boosted by another distinction in her LAMDA exam and lots of positive feedback at school. So all good, it’s just if I stop for too long (which unfortunately I do at 5.30am) I’m left reeling a little that my children are so grown up.
I’m 47 soon. Tired and ropey. Perimenopause is a contributory factor but the reason behind the ropey doesn’t matter really – it’s just a bit tough. All the things that you have to contend with at my age are brought into acute focus when at the same time you see the youth, positivity and hope in two teenagers. There have been such moments of real joy this summer, but my balance is most definitely off. Maybe it’s just the exhaustion talking. And then there’s the world – still frightening, sad and unfair. Although I don’t suppose I can influence that very much so maybe I’ll just start with looking after myself a little better.
I’ve always liked September: the rain on the roof; a justification for buying new fluffy socks; birthdays; new stationery; firepits in the dimming light; bulb planting; catching up with friends after everyone being away through the summer. It’s a good month for new starts and positive attitudes. I just could do with a bit more sleep.