I think I feel a glimmer of my usual self. I’m grasping onto it with both hands.

You know when we thought 2020 was awful and then it was New Year and even though lockdown was back you couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit hopeful? Yes well it lasted about 3 days of me trying to make the most of life before I got hit full in the face with feeling sad. Not really a surprise – this is bloody awful.

There’s loads of reasons why of course but I’m really missing people. In December 2019 we had to cancel seeing our friends because T had a horrible cold and it wouldn’t have been safe to share it. It’s now been a year and half since we’ve seen them – possibly the longest period I haven’t seen C since about 1980. Last February I went away with my friend and it’s now been a whole year even though I’ve wanted to visit multiple times to give her a hug. Nearly a year since I’ve seen many of my colleagues in 3D. 6 months since I hugged my parents. So much time missed with people I love. It’s not an unusual tale obviously but it’s a gigantic loss.

Anyway I was sad again. Then I hurt myself and it made everything worse. It’s been nearly 6 weeks now and only since visiting the wizard physiotherapist last Friday have I begun to feel normal. I’ve barely left the house because walking was difficult (who knew heads were so heavy) and the snow and ice didn’t exactly tempt me outside. I took my fitness watch off the day I hurt myself and it’s been sat on the floor ever since – no-one needs reminding of only taking 500 steps a day. I watched a lot of TV, read a bit, failed to sleep much (and yet overslept), and struggled with the effect of the painkillers on my body. And it was only a minor injury in the scale of things.

So the good news is I feel a million times better. I managed a week at work without having to attend meetings in a semi reclined position like some kind of Roman. Yesterday I had physio, picked up contact lenses for P, went to the supermarket and bumped into a friend in the car park. This meant I spoke to 2 people in real life who I don’t actually live with – it was like visiting a theme park. We have food in the house, the temperature is set to rise (and finally melt the flipping snow) and I feel brave enough to try a proper walk, and strong enough to sit upright to play a long board game – a mild but positive way mark the start of half term and our wedding anniversary. The kids have coped amazingly with another half term of school from home and we all deserve a bit of break.

There will be more sadness – there always is. There are a few more weeks before Spring truly arrives and still no end in sight for the pandemic. I can’t even remember what normal was, never mind have any idea of when we might get back to it, but today is a good day. I managed to sleep all night and wake up at 6.30 – which sounds a strange way to feel positive but I’ve so missed these moments awake on my own in a quiet house, drinking tea, writing and making sense of my thoughts. In fact it must be time for toast.

Sending love and understanding whatever your circumstances, Kx.