Not That Big a Deal

The last couple of days have had their moments. Yesterday small things turned into big things and I became more and more unreasonable. I ended up sobbing because sometimes this is still too hard. Of course it’s now fine – it was straight after the sandwich – but oh my this can be tough.

On Friday I met with a friend and her little boy as usual and we had to go to the park. It was far too cold. I know that sounds pathetic but 8.30am on a sleety day just would never be a walk in the park day. It would be a play in the house while we drank tea day and that’s the truth. It was lovely to see them of course but it was freezing. Not that big a deal.

It snowed but the worst kind of ‘could be exciting’ (and a break from the tedium) snow which was actually wet and grey. No crisp beautiful walks or snowball fights for us. Not that big a deal.

I woke too early (even by my standards) and tried to get back to sleep. I ended up tired and grumpy. Not that big a deal.

I noticed my daughter has a skin condition so added ‘pharmacy’ to my ever growing list of things. Not that big a deal.

At this time of year you just want to pop and do things, and popping is just trickier than usual. It turned into me driving round for ages in traffic because understandably everyone is now popping everywhere because of lockdown ending and the desire to make Christmas as nice as possible. I couldn’t get what I wanted and forgot to do things, all while wearing a mask and feeling more and more headachey. Not that big a deal.

I tried to get something nice for lunch and it ended up involving time wasting and P queuing in the cold. Not that big a deal.

As things built up I thought about what we will be missing in the next few weeks in particular. I miss my family, and my friends. I don’t want to walk in the cold with them – I want my Mum to cook a lovely dinner, my dad to help the kids decorate a Christmas cake, to chat to my Aunt. I want to go to a family gathering and eat chocolate cheesecake and play with the kids. I want to meet friends somewhere indoors and laugh. I want to drink flaming cocktails in a pub. I want to listen to the sounds we make in harmony singing ‘Sweet Bells’. I want to arrange to visit friends far away who I’ve never been more desperate to hug. I want to personally deliver the gifts we have bought not stress about chuffing Hermes. I want to go out and eat pie with my colleagues, and to buy raffle tickets to win things in my lunch hour. There’s so much I want to do but can’t. Not that big a deal? I think maybe all together it felt like a very big deal yesterday but that’s ok.

Anyway, this isn’t such a down post. We saved the day by P booking a time to go to John Lewis and looking at the Christmas lights in town. We bought a few bits in a quick socially distanced way, and it was nice. We finished writing Christmas cards. We had fish and chips, then watched another far too long far too smashy Avengers movie but you’ve got to have a challenge to work towards (and watching all these movies really is a challenge). I slept ok and it wasn’t 4.50am when I woke. I have tea and toast, and today we are going to make jumper shaped cookies and get ready for the week ahead.

I know I keep saying it, but I recognise I’m lucky – of course I do. But it’s ok to feel low and to say how you feel. Yesterday it was all a big deal. Today is another day.

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