Venting

Today is supposed to be a good productive day. I was over the moon when my boss agreed to let me have one day off a week and condense my hours into the other four. Think what I could do with all that time. Get on top of things. See friends that I have missed terribly. Consider exercising. So many options.

This morning I was much more enthusiastic to get out of bed. I had a day of things planned – the main of which was to start a mindfulness course I’d be referred to from my IAPT counselling. This course, I have been assured, is valuable and you can only go on it when you are well. It’s about changing the way you think. It’s time to get on top of my mental health and stop these cycles of anxiety happening. “Book me in” I said.

I whizzed around being productive until 930. Then I got in the car and drove to where it told me on the letter. It took me twenty minutes to avoid crashing into students and to find a car parking space and when I did I could only park for 2 hours – the course is exactly that long. With little choice I decided to risk it – if I got a parking ticket I would plead anxiety or something.

I parked with four minutes to spare and ran down the road weaving through power dressed students (never happened in my day)  to get to the building. “Oh that’s been cancelled. The lady couldn’t do it.”

“Did no-one think of letting me know?”

“We only found out at 930”.

“It’s 10 o’clock. I have a mobile phone. Never mind.”

I rang Paul and vented. I then stupidly went into a shop and looked at clothes which wouldn’t fit me and I can’t afford. I’m now back at home drinking coffee and feeling decidedly grumpy.

I accept that these things happen. I also fully accept that this is a not a major thing and on balance I shouldn’t be throwing my toys out of the pram. But I am allowing myself to be cross just for a few minutes until the caffeine sinks in.

This course that is supposed to help me cope with anxiety.

I know what would be a great idea. Run the course on a Wednesday morning so it’s a challenge for people to change their working patterns (because we are all better and therefore presumably back at work).

Run it in a building with very little parking in the busiest part of town.

Make sure only one woman runs it so that there is no back up (despite it saying 2 on the form).

And don’t bother letting anyone know by text or message when it’s cancelled.

That will really help them all learn to look at the world in a different way and cope with anxiety.

Oh no, it really wouldn’t.

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