It had to happen eventually

Well I’ve made it to post six without talking about wee. Not bad really since I have a conversation about it at least three times a day. I’ve tried to spare you from the tedium but sometimes when you’ve got to let it out there’s no alternative. Sorry. Both for the pun and the subject matter. If you haven’t got young children or don’t want to be reminded of potty training please look away now and come back on a day when I’m talking about something more appealing.

My youngest daughter is less than keen to use the toilet. She learnt to do it easily and quickly a year ago. This is irrelevant really since currently she doesn’t want to go ever. Unless you are in the most difficult place imaginable.

The middle of Marks and Spencers gift section was awkward, and the John Lewis toy department was embarrassing for my husband, but my particular favourite has to be the otter sanctuary.

On this occasion both girls waited until they could be no further from a toilet to say they needed to go. Fortunately the organised mum in me (she lurks occasionally) had brought a portable potty and some liners. Both girls used the potty next to an otter hide while various otter enthusiasts tried not to look.

This left me in a place a loooong way from a toilet or bin with a large bag of wee. I did what any annoyed mother would do when carrying a rucksack, shoulder bag and bag of wee and put it in my pocket. I’m guessing you are ahead of me here. Sufficed to say I learnt a lesson that day.

Five minutes later Phoebe said she needed a wee. I was less than impressed at dealing with another wet pair of trousers but set up the potty again. While chuntering I bent forward to put her on the potty. The bag in my pocket, as you might expect, burst. Believe me warm wee and jeans doesn’t mix well.

I can laugh about it now. At the time I was less than happy. It’s a good job we were staying on a good campsite with a washing machine and Paul knew that arranging a pub dinner would help my mood. We ended the day in interesting attire (I normally don’t wear tracksuit bottoms to a restaurant) but at least none of us were hungry and I didn’t have to cook.

Essentially the following translations seem fair:

“I don’t need the toilet” means” “it’s anyone’s guess whether I need the toilet.”

“I don’t want to go to the toilet” means “whether or not I want a wee I will scream my head off if you take me into the bathroom, especially if it’s a public one.”

“I need a wee” means “I’ve already done quite a lot of wee in my trousers”

However, this last one is misleading because “I need a wee” can also mean “I know you give me chocolate/stickers/a whirl around the bathroom (delete depending on current bribery situation) if I go to the loo so I’m willing to try it”

I have no idea what tactic to use any more. Ignoring it, pleading, getting cross (I know I’m not supposed to do this but I don’t know many people who could have wee soaked jeans and manage to say “never mind you’ll make it next time”, bribery – none of it seems to work.

But tomorrow is another day. I’ll try smarties.

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