I forced myself off my backside and to the gym today. The gym I joined two weeks ago when there was an offer on and haven’t visited because, along with a number of other excuses, I am bone idle.

This time I joined a cheap gym so that when I don’t go very often it isn’t a ridiculous waste of money, only a smaller waste of money. This one is so budget you do the induction online by watching a video, meaning that you don’t even have to arrange an appointment to go in. As this is usually the only way I can be spurred on to get through the door it was even more amazing that I turned up. Go me.

I watched the video, and checked the instructions. I needed a towel. All the small towels seemed to disappear after the great ‘husband running every day’ debacle so I took a massive one which made me look like I was going to the seaside.

I had to enter a code into a keypad on arrival – a code so long I will never be able to remember it. It took about 8 minutes for me to actually enter the gym. As soon as I got half way through entering the number someone entered the pod from the other side to leave and I had to start all over again. I laughed to make myself look less stupid and more “goodness aren’t I hilarious”. The other people queuing behind me in the vestibule didn’t laugh.

Once in I had no idea where anything was. I picked the nearest locker which I couldn’t open. I tried another and my padlock wouldn’t fit through the hole. On the third attempt I worked out the mechanism and did a little mental celebration. Then I realised I’d left my massive towel in the locker so had to open it again.

After that I tried to remember what I could of gym etiquette. I never chose the machine right next to someone (well I am British) and always chose the machine relatively near an old person – all of whom it turns out are fitter/stronger/faster than me so that backfired.

I wiped machines down with my huge towel with a seagull on it. In most cases I didn’t need to since I obviously hadn’t been working very hard, but it seemed to be the done thing so I did it, seamlessly blending into my surroundings like a pro.

I watched a man voluntarily doing burpees and felt a little ill – well I don’t mean I watched him, that would be weird. I just kept glancing at him incredulously.

I ignored the room containing heavy weights, then found another room where I could pretend I knew what machines I wanted to use.  It was quite dark in there which was an added bonus.

I remembered I was supposed to stretch but couldn’t find the stretching area that was clearly mentioned on the video – so instead I leaned up against my locker hoping no-one was looking.

All in all it wasn’t all that bad. If you tried to ignore the beautiful lycra clad people and focused on listening to Snow Patrol time passed quite quickly. I might try The Beach Boys next time to see if it helps my rowing.

I exited the gym pod thingy much more easily than I had entered. I am a natural and destined to be fit and healthy. Operation Feel Better has begun.